The Pistol’s Report

Synopsis:

** no guns or violence – the title is intentionally ‘punny’ **

“The Pistol’s Report is a traditional-type farce but with many diverse characters included, and lots of twists and surprises.”

LOGLINE: Jordie’s school report on what she did over the weekend is being presented, but she’s the epitome of an unreliable narrator. The truth as we watch it unfold is even more hilarious and improbable.

SYNOPSIS: Jordie reports to her class and teacher, Mrs. Blasfemia, that she had hoped to have a fun but ‘normal’ weekend with her two daddies. But a stranger and her baby had shown up at their door Friday night turning the next 52 hours of the wise-cracking tomboy’s life into a series of misinterpreted scenes.

Her Black dad, Daddy Doug, is supposedly the half-brother of the stranger, Sally, but his birth mother Grammie Gert isn’t so sure – was her Late Husband Number Two really unfaithful? And Jordie’s Other dad, Daddy Frank, and their housekeeper/physio-therapist Darren have hidden some white powder which Sally brought, into the handles of Daddy Frank’s wheelchair. Why, Jordie wonders, would they be needing to hide Sally’s baby powder? Or is that Darren’s plant food for the lupines? Two of Sally’s boyfriends show up on Saturday, arguing over her and the baby – and one of them, Darren is pretty sure, is the musician ‘Sting’ in disguise. Grammie Gert doesn’t care WHO he is; she’s just determined to make him Husband Number Four.

When Madame Beverly, a drug-dealing dominatrix, arrives on Sunday, Jordie is sure she’s there to give her riding lessons, Sally is afraid her stash will be stolen back, and Darren has fallen head over heels – literally, as Jordie unfortunately ‘witnesses’ – with the high-booted, whip-cracking temptress.

Characters:

Mrs. Blasfemia, Voice Only (may be played by Gertie)

Jordie, tomboy of 8-10 yrs, any race, may be played by petite either male or female

Daddy Doug, early 30s-mid 40s, Black

Daddy Frank, early 30s-mid 40s, any race, in wheelchair most of time (can adapt to ‘all of time’ if needed, though a second wheelchair may be necessary as main prop)

Sally, 20s, mixed race, but lighter-skinned than Doug, frequently ‘sniffles’

Gertie, Doug’s mother, older, classily dressed and coiffed, Black

Carter, cowboy/rancher, any age or race, should be large (threatening)

Sumner, older white, should bear vague resemblance to ‘Sting’, upper RP Eng acc.

Darren, housekeeper, under 40, any race, hippie-style dress, ponytail

Beverly, drug-dealing dominatrix, under 40, any race, riding instructor attire *

Resources:

The play can be accessed by emailing juliechipjohnson@yahoo.ca

Notes:

** no guns or violence – the title is intentionally ‘punny’ **